The sting of my voice exam experience has somewhat lessened over the past 3 weeks (which is good); but I'm also beginning to realize the direction of my journey towards musical excellence is somewhat hazy (which is not good).
Ok so before going on I suppose there is this need to provide a little background info here: my initial purpose for taking the voice exam was so that I could 'upgrade' to the Masters program at Singapore Bible College (SBC). I withdrew from SBC after last semester but went ahead with the exam anyway. And so now that the disaster of an exam is over (read previous post 'Voice Exam Fiasco' for more juicy details), I'm not sure exactly where to go from here. There is definitely lots more to study and refine in terms of vocal technique and expression, but in the course of focusing on my voice development I have put improving my piano skills on the backburner.
"Ah! Why don't you just study both?", some of you cleverly surmise.
Well, I definitely can't and won't do that (you sadists!) because that would destroy what little social life I have and thereby put me in the running for "Person-who-desperately-needs-to-get-a-life of the Year" award. Piano playing does not come naturally to me and I will have to invest much more time perfecting a musical phrase than I would with singing. Besides, it's also economically disasterous for me to embark on both simultaneously since I will literally have zero savings at the end of the month after the weekend trips to neighboring countries, new clothes, new tech toys, new videogames and fine dining adventures that are unquestioningly paramount to survival (I'm kidding, as you should realize, about all the above although it's sadly a fact that I simply can't afford to have two teachers on my payroll).
So what's a guy to do? Can one achieve a rounded musical education by just training in a singular discipline? To have a greater sense of musicianship and a better grasp of perfomance technique (I think) that a musician must explore other avenues (musical or otherwise) to compliment and nurture their passion. So think aloud here with me, will you? I stop voice lessons now, take up piano lessons for, say, 2 years with the intention of taking my Grade 8 practical, then resume voice again. In the meantime, I will also be studying to take the Grade 8 theory exam though no real time frame for that has been set yet.
"Why put yourself through all that unspeakable horror of inhumane torture and needless suffering?", some of you plead, tears of compassion glistening in your eyes, "This is pure madness!"
Well, my dear friends, my musical education is something I see myself actively pusuing for a long time to come. Right now, it's just getting the various elements in the right order that I'm trying to sort out. Along the road of life, my passion for music is worth my giving up many things that I would otherwise desire for myself. We have only one chance at making our time here on earth a meaningful and fulfiling one. For me, I feel that music is my gift, and therefore I want to enlarge my musical education and training in order to be able to use this gift wisely.
Oh, I guess I've made up my mind which direction to venture towards. Thanks for listening.
So I'm trying to purchase this simple little digital camera, right? I mean, now that I have this blog up and running, I totally need a digital cam to help me capture embarassing moments of my friends and post them here for the world to gawk at. So after much agonizing research, I finally decide upon the little Casio that you see here. And it's only a 3.2mp camera since I only need it primarily to upload pics to this blog; but guess what, the stores no longer carry this model because: A) it's only 3.2mp - people want more, and B) the 5mp version has been released.
So that really ticked me off. I don't want to pay all that extra cash for the additional mp which I don't need. Why is there the notion that someone wouldn't want a 3.2mp camera today in the sea of 4, 5 and even 7mp digital cameras swirling around the market? The 3.2mp is more than sufficient for my needs!
It was the same way when I sold off my Nokia 6260 for my current Samsung E630. People were asking, "So what can this Samsung do?" and I said, "It can make calls and allow me to text." The crowds were appalled. "Gasp, you downgraded?!"
Yeah, the Nokia had the ultra-cool swiveling screen and the flexible Symbian O/S but at the end of the day, I hardly used more than 5% of what it was capable of doing (so why did I buy it in the first place, you ask? Well, let's NOT go there today because I have different point I want to make, ok). Right, as I was explaining, I barely used the potential of the Nokia and had to lug that brick around just for calling and texting; well, it finally dawned upon me to just trade it in for a smaller phone that will do just that. Duh! And that's how my love affair with the sleek Samsung began, but I'll save the gushing for another day since, like I said earlier, there is a different point I want to make (now pay attention and stop making me repeat myself).
And that point is - technology should serve my needs; and not the other way round. I simply want a product that will do what I need it to do - in other words, I want a good-looking and svelte 3.2mp digital camera that I can hide in my pocket and brandish for quick candid snaps in order to fill this blog with interesting pictures for your viewing pleasure. Is that so tall an order?
Not everybody wants a swiss-army knife type product that is a world-class mp3 player, 7mp camera, slim phone, multi-tasking PDA and deadly flamethrower at the same time. I hope that manufactorers will continue to design products that specialize in one thing and ensure that they do what they do well.
In the meantime, I will keep hunting for a used unit of that elusive camera... hey, I guess a new journey has just begun.
Ants are crawling all over my desk now. These little pests appear when there is food (in this case, it's a piping hot Old Chang Kee curry puff) and if I'm not careful the goodie I've laid aside will be infested with them in mere minutes.
I have no idea where these darn ants come from. I work on the fourth floor so they must have been attracted to something really heavenly to come foraging all the way up here. The point is, once they got here, they wanted to stay. We've even tried those ant poison pellets a while ago, and it seemed to work initially, but to everyone's chagrin the little resilient buggers (no pun intended) bounced right back and now they are an unwelcome part of the office staff.
Of course, the endless squishing of even more endless teams of tireless ant scouts got me thinking. Ants are like the parts of our character that we need to change for the better. Like them, our ugly side surfaces when the right condition manifests itself. For some people this side might be an explosive temper, or an immediacy to criticism. For others it might be a tendency to shirk their responsibilities, or find escapism in non-constructive ways. And for some it may be an overwhelming desire to pile their plates sky high with the most expensive food items at the buffet table, or maybe muscle their way into the MRT for fear of being stranded at the station... the list goes on like a steady stream of scurrying ants.
Ok that was a bad analogy, but anyway, for me, I think that I allow my temper to get the better of me when things don't go my way. While I don't go on a ballistic murderous rampage, or hurl verbal abuse and lethal thunderbolts at any innocents who cross my path, I realize that I do spend a fair amount of time mulling, griping and sulking over it. The event doesn't consume me, but it stews in my mind and bubbles enough to remind me that I'm bothered. It's like getting a scratch on your brand new mobile phone- it's doesn't prevent you from using it normally, but it does make you feel a tad upset each time you use it.
So this is my ant; and it always creeps out of nowhere when the time is right. I must have wasted numerous hours in my life following this ant around whenever it shows up, muttering under my breath and concocting fantasy torments to inflict upon those who have inadvertently crossed me. Next time, I'll try to remember to just squish it. For good.
Good friends are a rarity; so it's with a twinge of regret that one has to acknowledge the demise of a once-close friendship.
I met an old buddy for dinner yesterday. With both of us leading such, ahem, 'busy' lives a full year zipped past before we were able to set up the meeting. I suppose I have never been the kind of person that's fanatical about organizing makan sessions for the sake of keeping touch; I don't even send cards; nor an occasional sms just to say 'hi'. Hmm, guess I'm pretty much just a regular guy who's needlessly obsessed with reading up on new gadgetry and upcoming videogames (read: major nerd) and who doesn't have an inkling about making sure good friends stay, well, good friends (read: social imbecile).
So what's the solution to this severe blight of losing a friend every year; and since I'm not making any new ones the pool of social supporters grows ever shallow? Well, this is one of those things in which I know what I'm supposed to do, but of course, I just don't do it for some mysteriously obscure reason. And yes, laziness can be categorized under 'mysteriously obscure' in my world, as can be apathy and possibly even wanton greed.
Anyway, I will try to set up another dinner meeting with this friend who actually only lives a mere 10 mins away from me (*hangs head in shame*). Yes, yes, I know I'm awful, but remember it takes two hands to clap. I can only do my part and hope that he does the same.
So I was home from work yesterday, listening to music in my room, basically minding my own business; I heard my dad come in and jabber excitedly to my mom about something I couldn't make out. Then it hit me. The evil and unmistakable stench of durians stabbed my nostrils ruthlessly before engulfing my being like a deadly mist that's so commonly found in cliched RPG storylines. In the throes of death, I somehow managed to summon the will to close my bedroom door before any more damage could be done to my mind. Ok so I'm spicing up the account just a teensy bit, but you get the idea.
Finally I had no choice but to stagger out of my bedroom when dinner was ready. My dad, who always asks if I want to share some durian (or shellfish) with him, pointed to a frighteningly large plastic bag of mangosteens slowly getting poisoned by the durians it was lying next to.
"Wow," I thought, "it's death by mangosteens today."
Now don't misunderstand me, I do like mangosteens. They're always sweet and easy to eat (though a tad messy) and they're kinda cutesy-looking. But a whole mountain of them? Isn't that like way too much of a good thing?
And I guess, in the same way, everything in life needs to be taken in measured doses. I remember being young (and dumb) and wanting the good things to never end. I'm sure we all have those moments, right? The party you never want to leave, the movie you never want to end, or the buffet you wish you could stuff yourself with for eternity. Now I'm older (but still dumb) and I've learnt that eventually one WILL tire of it all. Things that can be measured will eventually lose their value.
But the intangible things of life - like the unconditional love of family and friends will always remain unquestioningly valuable, even in times when you feel like strangling them for getting on your case. And as I pondered about that, I wondered if they could think the same way of me?
So I did eat as many mangosteens as I humanly could; it's a way to show my appreciation for my dad's thoughtfulness. But I had to bring a bag of them to work today, though; I mean, it's still a mountain afterall!
How is it that can one be completely and unflinchingly focused upon attaining a set goal despite the ups and downs of daily living? Today I'm in one of my inexplicable grey moods where I feel generally lethargic and maybe a twinge depressed.
I remember it used to be a lot worse; I would not talk to anyone, or feel like doing anything, and was definitely no picnic to be around. My deepest apologies to all those who had to be around me during those times! Of course, this only added to my aura of mystique...
So anyway, I think it's post-exam blues for me. You know, I've been stressing out about my voice exam and gearing myself up for it, training and trying to keep focused...etc. Now that it's over, well, I guess I don't know where to channel all this energy anymore. Not to mention the general slump I'm in because I boo-booed the exam. I suppose the videogames (Suikoden II rox) are getting the attention right now, but as everybody knows, videogames are intense but have brief lifespans.
Of course I have a huge project to helm though - Shalom's 25th Anniversary program for next year. Ugh, I have almost no idea where to start. I've been scouring online for some relevant resources but so far I've scrounged up almost zilch. Also been trying to plan something for the music min so that it'll be better organized. After all, I can't spoonfeed them forever.
Finally, dropping out of SBC was really not the breather I hoped it would be. I mean, it is, but not in a relaxing-sipping-coconuts-by-the-breezy-beach kinda way. Guess I feel kinda guilty about it. Arrgh, so this is what an undeserved break can feel like. Maybe I should claw my way out of this rut. Or maybe not yet...
My voice exam on 20 July was a real disappointment for myself. While I'm very thankful that the 2nd half of the exam which I had been dreading turned out to be most manageable, it was the singing, which I have supposedly been practicing the past 4 months, which I sorely messed up.
I'm not sure where to begin in diagnosing what went so horribly wrong. Maybe the combination of nerves and the onset of a throat infection had an effect. After all, I was still trying to memorise my German lyrics just before the exam. Or I just simply didn't step up to the challenge when it was presented. The bottom line: I didn't do what I was supposed to do when I was supposed to do it.
I don't know even know if this qualifies as having tried my best. But in not preparing myself adequately mentally and physically for the exam, I can't say that I did my best in all good conscience. So there you have it, I had months leading up to this moment, and I blew it.
The brokeness of the human spirit is a very sad event. For this is the same spirit that is able to perform feats of astounding physical and emotional endurance; yet it can be shattered by the betrayal and callousness of someone that spirit has cleaved itself to.
Watching a friend struggle through divorce is like watching someone gasp for air to survive. What goes through the mind of a person for whom their next painful breath might be their last? She doesn't know what will happen next, or whether she's making the right choice for herself and her two young children. And for an outsider, it's hard to simply watch, not knowing how to contribute nor to make a difference.
It seems so insipid to say that we can only pray. But the power of prayer is not to be underestimated. And I pray that this ordeal will be over for her, and she will be able to begin the journey of mending her heart and her spirit with God's gentle comfort and the fellowship of her friends.
Our annual Church Camp is just around the corner - just 3 days away, in fact, and I'm feeling a little panicky about the things that need looking into. I guess that's always the bane of leadership; that you need to implode from stress and tension yet keep the exterior intact and, preferably, nonchalant as if you're on your way to 7-11 to purchase yummy wildberry skittles.
However, I am excited about the opportunity to help others come to a greater comprehension of what they can have spiritually - and that is a life with the right focus and its ensuing peace... which is something of a misnomer itself since I don't always have the right focus. I guess being human too means I have to deal with my imperfections and not let them get in the way of ministering to others.
And at the end of the day, it is all about impacting lives and helping others to life a better life through Christ. Hmm, guess dealing with the tension implosion once in a while isn't that bad afterall.