i can't remember the last time i made a new year's resolution. i don't generally put myself in the embarassing position of inevitably sliding off the resolution wagon but i seem to possess an uncharacteristic insistence at bringing that to pass for 2008.
a glance over my shoulder brought to the fore the many changes that have occured. many are good, hopefully not deludedly so, while some are still in the grey zone. i know that i'm out of balance as a result, but i'm not sure yet if i can handle this.
so perhaps it is to restore some familiarity or stability that the following ideas are strangely in my head. without further ado, here's what i want to accomplish for 2008:
i want to blog regularly: i want to get back into the habit of writing/blogging/journaling or however one labels it. i really miss organizing my mess up there and laying them down on the page. writing is so invaluable to sorting out the swirl of thoughts and emotions that course through me so i consider this a relatively major resolution. my first thought was a-post-a-day; yes, outrageous, i know, so during a rare sane moment i quickly decided i'll shoot for a minimum of 3 posts weekly to get the engine started again.
i want to take jazz piano lessons: there's a keyboard school at bugis which focuses on helping their students gain improvisation and playing-by-ear skills. it's a long overdue project but i think that i can muster the fortitude to complete at least a semester with the school next year. i've been working on my technique and learning some challenging pieces on my own so i think the course will really augment my abilities. hopefully the fees are affordable...
i want to get fit: this is another area in my life i've completely neglected since i left for studies in the us 11 years ago. while i generally control my eating habits, the lack of any exercise can't be good in the long run. not to mention that no one likes to be flabby and lethargic; but you have to really loathe it enough to do something about it. so i'm going to start by doing HIIT 3 times a week in the morning. i won't make it more difficult than it already is by throwing a glitzy gym membership into the equation since that would be a guaranteed failure right there, but let's just say i hope to move in that direction over time.
there. i've said it and put my rep on the line. in wanting to stick to the resolutions, the implications are enormous - discipline and time management will be important, as is maintaining the momentum for school. but how else can i make 08 a more rewarding year if i don't push myself, right?
to everyone, may 08 be bigger and better for you. and may you never get to watch me crash and burn in a huge humiliating wreck. hopefully!
so i've made it to the mid-point of the masters course. not with a triumphant stride, unfortunately, but rather in a manner akin to desperate clawing.
i've learnt so much about myself this past year; perhaps too much, too soon. at times it felt like i was being riddled repeatedly with merciless shots of self-revelation. there was no time to react, to breathe.
did i want to give up along the way? there were moments that i did. the gashes of discovery made facing tomorrow just a little harder; but there was also the inherent promise that the future would be brighter, far brighter, after the wounds are mended.
the unexpected rawness of the experience still smarts inside. the elation and agony, the confusion and clarity, the strength and frailty are all enmeshed into a strange, yet familiar, dull throb. how long will this ache sustain itself, i wonder?
everything around me is changing so swiftly. is that because i am falling? there is nothing to hold onto in this roaring space. how do i learn to embrace this rushing vastness without fear?
the countdown to the second leg of the journey has begun. i still have much to do.
for months, i'd been anticipating the moment when the final assignment is completed and sent.
the door to my cage will swing open as freedom waves her hand in joyous welcome.
the moment inevitably and gloriously arrives; the first thing i do is step unceramoniously into wet cement.
what can i say? the prodigal klutz returns.
in an honest moment of spontaneity, i've acquired the spanking new nickname of 'mad dog'.
kids say the darnest things. good thing i kinda like it.
the ability to see the ordinary as extraordinary.
~ dewitt jones
when considering a binge:
fried chicken or potato chips?
when considering a hobby:
a new dslr or the psp slim & lite?
when considering a splurge:
a new playstation 3 console or a getaway up north?
when considering a responsibilty:
catch up on the mound of readings or allow my body and mind to rest?
sometimes it's no fun to be an adult. just sometimes.
shaking off the inertia from my stiff fingers was unexpectedly easier than i anticipated. it is either not an insurmountable task to regain decent-playing form, or that my motivation to master the new song defied logic.
incidently, i don't really care which.
the song i'm refering to is the exciting piano theme found in the recent jay chou vehicle, 'secret'. i never intended to be able to play it in its entirety so no one could have been more surprised than i with the swift progress and eventual memorization of the piece.
it's still far from where i want it be at; but i'm pleased with one thing i learnt:
old dogs do learn new tricks when not under duress!
shin megami tensei: persona 3
i really enjoy this game tremendously. the experience harkens back to a time when i could afford to immerse myself in an alternate and fantastical reality.
however, lengthy breaks between gaming sessions destroy the illusion; and currently, with my free evenings consumed by the expectations of acadamia, the initial excitement is spluttering towards a petulant death.
this post will therefore serve the express purpose of reminding me that retreating into myself isn't always pathological. when used with care, it's a perfectly normal way of dealing with life.
but until i get the time, this part of me will just have to remain in slumber for just a bit longer.
special moments don't come around often.
special connections are rarer still.
but when these two collide, the world changes ever so slightly.
and on sept 30, 9:29pm, that's exactly what occured.
even without trying really hard, the body will simply degrade.
the joint aches and pulled muscles here and there tell the sad story more completely than words can.
the tension in my throbbing right hand is an undisputable sign of overwork; but the mouse & keyboard, piano and playstation controller beckon daily.
so what's a guy to do?
what is emotional self-containment?
it is the deadening of the ability to trust in others and avoidance of risk in affectionate attachments (john bowlby, 1956).
from infancy to adulthood, this painfully-developed paradigm usually persists.
i'm not sure which is worse: discovering this is true of oneself, or never finding out?
bowlby, john (1956). the growth of independence in the young child. royal society of health journal, vol. 76, pp. 587-591.
who knew that camp and pathos could ever unite so harmoniously?
take care not to be distracted by the abundance of sequins lest you overlook the quietly aching heartbeat of this gem.
all that glitters is not gold; but when it is, don't be blinded into believing otherwise.
as we respond to life, second by second, a framework is being meticulously constructed from which our future behavior will manifest.
for good, or otherwise, the impact of our past is tremendous.
so pervasive is the experience that our power to hope and heal crumbles with time's passage.
fortunately there is Someone who can restore innocence lost; the question is, would you want it anymore?
i have been intending to experience the new classy range of japanese dark chocolates by meiji.
i figured the manly thing to do was to hit on 99% cacao.
it turned out to be a really disasterous plan.
now i know my place in chocolate-dom.
when your thoughts wander into the notorious realm of excess, can you arrest them before decision-making becomes a lucky draw?
can you distinguish between caution and fear? can you toe that extra fine line with finesse?
i think i can't, though this realization is a small comforting step towards conquering my weakness.
i wonder, between bravery or patience, which would i need more of?
i have never been famed for a sunny disposition; and a single absurdly frustrating afternoon is iron-clad testament to that fact.
"you look stressed." ben observed with a smarmy grin.
"no, i'm not," came my terse reply, "i'm just freaking annoyed."
i was, in fact, summoning all my will power to stay annoyed because anything above that level would have rendered me a nasty snarling beast.
several hours later and with the technical glitches still mockingly intact, i'm mostly just embarassed with myself.
and maybe just a tad annoyed still.
can unconditional acceptance be humanly achieved?
for it is one thing to adopt an open-arms stance, but quite another to harbor absolutely no rancor nor suspicion.
the heart's darkness is a near-impossible challenge to tame, i realize.
so now i feel fraudulent.
can practice make perfect here? would it be worth the anguish?
here are some portrait shots of the family and friends of the birthday boy, rui.
by william blake
1757 - 1827
i was angry with my friend:
i told my wrath, my wrath did end.
i was angry with my foe;
i told it not, my wrath did grow.
and i water'd it in fears,
night & morning with my tears;
and I sunned it with my smiles
and with soft deceitful wiles.
and it grew both day and night,
till it bore an apple bright;
and my foe beheld it shine,
and he knew that it was mine,
and into my garden stole
when the night had veil'd the pole:
in the morning glad i see
my foe outstretch'd beneath the tree
it's been a long time since i've seethed in a thoughtless comment shot from a thoughtless individual.
how can mere words contain such debilitating poison?
much as i am in the training to be the bigger person and display magnanimity, the awful truth is i possess neither the capacity nor desire to do so.
and a wounded day bleeds away.
"you look troubled", rui had intoned evenly.
it was a quiet revelation to hear someone else articulate into words how i have been feeling.
such are the truths that our own eyes are blinded to for better or for worse.
today, up above, a pale greyness loomed over me.
i guess we can't always have everything we desire, perhaps more so when we are without inkling to what they truly are.
by beyonce
listen, to the song here in my heart,
a melody i start but can’t complete.
listen, to the sound from deep within,
it’s only beginning to find release.
oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard.
they will not be pushed aside and turned into your own,
all 'cause you won’t listen.
listen, i am alone at a crossroad,
i’m not at home in my own home.
and i’ve tried and tried to say what’s on my mind.
you should have known.
oh, now i’m done believing you,
you don’t know what i’m feeling.
i’m more than what you’ve made of me,
i followed the voice you gave to me.
but now i gotta find my own.
you should have listened.
there is someone here inside;
someone i thought had died so long ago.
oh,i’m screaming out and my dreams will be heard.
they will not be pushed aside and turned into your own,
all 'cause you won’t listen.
i don’t know where i belong but I’ll be moving on
if you don’t, if you won’t listen
to the song here in my heart.
a melody i start but i will complete.
oh, now i’m done believing you.
you don’t know what i’m feeling.
i’m more than what you’ve made of me,
i followed the voice you think you gave to me.
but now I gotta find my own.
a compact camera produces pictures of very different feel than a dslr. i'm finding that i have to relearn many aspects of photography.
i'm enjoying it, though. here are two more outdoor pictures.
having spent a little bit more time with the new cam, i'm finding it relatively easy to use. reponse is quick, colors are bright and vibrant, and details are superb for a point & shoot.
here's a demo shot. you can click on it for a larger view.
i used to enjoy the peace that solitude brings. by severing all that chained me to this pulsing world, i could suspend myself in my mind and soak up the sense of freedom and possibility.
there, i could race with the wind and explore the ocean depths.
frozen in time until life yanks me back.
i can't do that anymore.
how do you behave around someone who reminds you acutely of another person - one that brings out the worst in you?
my head knows the right thing to do, but the heart defiantly beats a will all its own.
am i ready to extricate myself from this wreckage?
or more realistically, will i ever be?
so the deed is done, and the camera now belongs to another.
as i walked away from the transaction, it was surprise which welled up; perhaps i never believed i could go through with it.
but i did. now all that remains is a single lens still waiting for a buyer.
and, of course, countless memories captured during my photographic journey with it.
thanks.
capricious: characterized by or subject to whim; impulsive and unpredictable.
so this is me, or at least according to certain circles.
definition derived from the american heritage dictionary
bewildering is the process of laptop-shopping. after poring over accumulated spec sheets all afternoon, everything cascades into a sea of numbers.
style or substance? well, why not style and substance? it's not just a matter of being able to surf the net any more.
is the agony about the best bang for my buck? i don't think so.
is it then about prudence? i hope that's it.
eternity is sometimes like a concrete conviction.
other times it is like a dancing shadow i spy in the corner of my eye; when i turn it's no longer there.
does intellect have any bearing on its reality? none - because it only equips me to doubt.
so that just leaves faith; and in my case, a very small measure.
as a deliberate step towards simplifying my life, i have put up some accumulated trimmings for sale at rock bottom prices. that, unfortunately, led me into the exasperating world of haggling bargain-hunters desperate to save a dollar.
or less!
thrift is doubtlessly an admirable trait to hone; but how far does one go before the ugly persona of a greed-filled miser manifests itself?
was i disgusted? i am ashamed to admit that i was, for surely i am no better than any of them and, in my own way, am likewise self-centered and myopic.
as i organize what's outside, perhaps i should work even harder on what's inside, too.
by minnie driver
child of the wilderness,
born into emptiness,
learn to be lonely,
learn to find your way in darkness.
who will be there for you,
comfort and care for you?
learn to be lonely,
learn to be your one companion.
never dreamed out in the world
there are arms to hold you,
you've always known your heart was on its own.
so laugh in your loneliness,
child of the wilderness,
learn to be lonely,
learn how to love life that is lived alone.
learn to be lonely,
life can be lived,
life can be loved alone.
sometime back i learned that the discomforting undercurrent which simmers between fathers and sons was not uncommon.
relief came with the knowledge but it was a brief release. for some unknown reason, it has since darkened in intensity.
what is this tension that grips me in his presence? i'm convinced it is merely muscle memory. perhaps i've not reasoned hard enough with myself to eke out a brand new start with him.
is that even plausible?
oh well, happy father's day, dad; i mean it even if i couldn't say it.
much has been said of the inherent self-centered nature of man. why then do we take such abysmal care of ourselves?
my trip to penang ended with a sobering realization: i had desperately needed this down time; and i had been foolishly laboring under a martyr-complex.
sacrifice is a necessary trade-off for progress and advancement, but, i would ask, to what end?
i can't remember the last time my body felt so rested. what a curious, but not unpleasant, sensation!
after wasting another morning away, i reluctantly braved the heat to golden mile complex.
the array of signage there hit me like an unsolved rubik's cube. i randomly chose a store and bought a bus ticket to kl. tonight. 10pm.
walking away from the circus of colors and milling bodies, i ran into jenny and dawn dragging their luggage. henry was there with the car.
and i, of course, hitched a ride home gleefully and gratefully.
am i shallow?
i've always loved the touch of sleek minimalism that apple personifies.
clean. simple. and strikingly beautiful.
their latest and greatest, the iphone, is set to be launched in north america later this month. asia will have to wait with bated breath till 2008 for our chance to own one.
in the meantime, the macbook beckons alluringly. resistance is futile, i reason.
or maybe i'm just plain shallow.
the surrogate room at berjaya times sq had been a vastly superior experience. 4 days later, my own room feels foreign, yet familiar at the same time.
my trusty black backpack slumps against the wall as i unpack. it is a surprisingly painless and efficient process - maybe a testament to my improved sense of organization?
unexpectedly, the last mental image of my musty room syncs perfectly with reality as i put my bag away. the intensity of the church camp recedes into the past and i feel like i'm home again.
outside, nite prowls as the city unwinds into slumber.
inside, the desk lamp illuminates my work space which is overrun with sprawled notes and paper stacks.
an eraser. a mug. a sheen of dust on the comp screen.
it's funny to realize i'm noticing them. or maybe not.
dawn will rise soon. progress - do not desert me now.
it's strange how something as innocous as a list can turn rather fearsome. it seems alive inside of me, gnawing and clawing to ensure my constant knowledge of its presence.
my thoughts are consumed by the endless little steps i need to take to shorten the disquieting list. yet my body is sluggish and reluctant to spring into necessary action.
i need rest that i cannot afford.
sean made a comment on the work-eat-sleep loop that our society has been unwittingly gripped by.
it made me wonder if ministry is any different from it? shouldn't ministry be a doggedly opposing creature?
yet despite their inherent polarity, the line separating them is, oh, so fine that it can barely be seen; except, perhaps, by those who have been softened by their gift of insight, humility of spirit and utter reverence for God.
i have a long way yet to go.
bonds can be stretched across the span of our azure globe. over the miles, friends create separate lives save for the occasional contact via technology.
when nick returned to sg 3 weeks ago, it was incredible to realize how changed we both were. he left today, this time returning to australia as one of their own.
is that why i feel like i'll never see him again?
but cutting through the selfish emotions is an honest hope that he will find all he's ever dreamed for himself; and that this old friendship will somehow endure.
by josh groban featuring lady blacksmith mambazo
hush now, baby, don't you cry,
rest your wings, my butterfly.
peace will come to you in time
and I will sing this lullaby.
know though I must leave, my child,
that I would stay here by your side.
and if you wake before I'm gone,
remember this sweet lullaby.
and, oh, through darkness.
don't you ever stop believing.
with love alone, with love
you'll find your way, my love.
the world has turned the day to dark,
i leave this night with heavy heart.
when i return to dry your eyes
i will sing this lullaby.
what is my breaking point? how do i test it and still feel assured of a haven of sanity to return to?
what does it mean to be ordinary? is it to merely drift through the days in a cocoon? dare i ask to be encased within one?
how else can i feel safe?
by vienna teng
it's the quiet night that breaks me,
i cannot stand the sight of this familiar place.
it's the quiet night that breaks me,
like a dozen papercuts that only i can trace.
all my books are lying useless now;
all my maps will only show me how to lose my way.
oh call my name, you know my name.
and in that sound, everything will change.
tell me it won't always be this hard.
i am nothing without you,
but i don't know who you are.
it's the crowded room that breaks me;
everybody looks so luminous, and strangely young.
it's the crowded room that's never heard,
no one here can say a word of my native tongue.
i can't be among them anymore,
i fold myself away before it burns me numb.
oh call my name, you know my name.
and in your love, everything will change.
tell me it won't always be this hard.
i am nothing without you,
but i don't know who you are.
it had been my intention to launch my rejuvenated blog in a few weeks, but this all fell together much quicker than i anticipated. despite the measure of apprehension, there also exists a new courage.
so here's saying adieu to old ways and paths that i must leave behind. a new world awaits.