the human body is a wondrous machine.
if this sounds like a preface to an olympic games-related entry, fear not, as it isn't since i barely followed it save for one exhilarating table-tennis battle in which i was sound asleep for a good half of.
no, i'm thinking about the relationship between the physical and emotional; they are co-dependant, in a way. any disturbance in one will manifest symptoms, sometimes very drastically, in the other.
lately, i've been having a great deal of trouble sleeping. even my legendary 5hr naps are nigh impossible to pull off because i wake up way before the finish line.
tiredness begets distress, distress begets insomnia, insomnia begats tiredness.
i know several of my stress points have come together recently in a blatant conspiracy to rob me of rest. alright, alright, you've made your point, i finally get it.
i'm listening.
after a short self-exiling stint, running away from letting you readers see inside my head, i've come back, sort of, to resume my blogging life.
the break wasn't all unfruitful though. i managed to sort quite a fair chunk out and gear myself up for the next couple of months which are probably going to lead me to the trembling cusp of sanity, or death.
anyway, as the past has always, always taught me, i miss writing terribly when i get into one of those 'i'm-never-writing-again' moods; so it stands to reason that i should work that love-hate aspect out. or not, we'll see.
i'm exhausted, thanks to the draining week that has gone by, so i'm gonna catch some z's now.
when something that's been wanted intently and over a long while suddenly appears to be granted, is it cynicism that my gut reaction is cold suspicion rather than, oh, say, grateful elation?
it's taken me a few months, but i think i'm finally starting to thaw against the notion that change within the relational system at work, and I mean true long-lasting change, could actually be materializing.
what's exciting is my spanking new role as the catalyst of sorts for this slow and tedious shift. it would be foolish of me to have not seen this for myself in the crystal ball; afterall, what have i been training in? but (there's always something!) an oddity within me is what feels like a twinge of resentment underneath it all. i'm not sure.
what i do know is that a lot is going on in a very volatile space, so i need to proceed with utmost caution and respect for all involved. i think i need to keep repeating this to myself.
there was never any doubt that the narnia franchise would only get bigger. after a rather tepid debut on the big screen 3 years ago, the long-awaited sequel is superior but only at a technical level. this simply works better as a popcorn flick thanks in part to the careful writing which balances pathos, humor, gravitas and action over 2 and a half hours. a bigger budget also contributes to its slicker sheen and the director cleverly borrows grandeur from the vast expanse of the natural outdoors.
but like most film adaptations of best-selling books, there's simply never enough running time to feature everything, or even half, that is of significance. screen time is spread unevenly among multiple characters, most of whom end up as no more than paper-thin caricatures. the pace also plods needlessly in the first half although there is a measured build up for the family-friendly battle sequences, with the last being the most predictably spectacular.
a stand out moment for me was when lucy, the peace-loving and youngest of the 4 protaganists, finally meets aslan, the Christ-figure at the center of the series. throwing away all previous doubt, she races towards him with such unabashed delight that spoke deep volumes of the complete faith and hope that his presence would right all, heal all.
"you're finally here. now i know that everything will be okay."
the words were unspoken, but it gave me a tearful glimpse of what going home, truly going home, might possibly feel like.
written by john lennon and paul mccartney
performed by timothy t and carol woods in the movie across the universe
so my pent-up frustrations over the work situation were unexpectedly given a brief respite today over lunch. forcefully stirring my iced milk tea, i could feel a fresh anger rising as i unloaded them.
what's this bitterness lingering behind my words? i thought i had already dealt adequately with this.
am i being petty? immature? i asked myself when i was alone. am i just choosing the well-worn pathway of helpless complaint and malcontent? i scorn the kind of person who gripes about others with a heated eloquence in safety behind their backs; yet i fear that's exactly what i've been reduced to.
someone said, but not to me, that we have no right to be upset when in christian ministry because that's how God trains and teaches us through firey trials and whatnot. and i wondered, after surpressing a wave of indignance, if all this is meant to be part of my testing, in which case i'm probably faring abysmally.
for the first time, i wish the capable voice of reason which has always guarded my emotional core could simply vanish so i can just let myself experience this at the most instinctive plane. maybe i have no idea what i'm asking for, but beyond the possible anguish, it might just be the most honest i'll ever feel.
i guess that's what i really need right now.
i finally decided that i had to have a 3g data plan so i meandered into a hello! store and did the deed. it was only half-price, too, thanks to a promotion. the shiny sim card that came with the plan stared forlornly up at me. looks like i need to get a new toy to go with it. 
the viewty by lg comes from the land famed for plastic surgery, extremely good-looking people (thanks to plastic surgery) and kimchi (which has nothing to do with plastic surgery because it is all natural and thereby great for health).
so this will be my glamorous internet-on-the-go device which i will use to surf the www, take 5mp snaps and cool slow-motion videos with, and also blog from when traumatically torn away from the home or office.
now to find a boring queue to stand in so i can use it.
being alone in the office is great. productivity barely registers on the chart at a flat zero. but it's great.
this stillness in here is really quite therapeutic.
i'm thinking the rest of the church should organize monthly camps up north. i can make a nice habit out of waving them goodbye from the parking lot.
wishful thinking aside, i should cherish this little gift of quietude. come tomorrow, i will have to let it go.
i'm not always ready to admit and accept that what's good for me, which is usually artfully disguised as some sickening ordeal like seeing the doctor or abstaining from fried chicken, is what i truly need.
and i very often struggle with the exceedingly grown up responsiblities that prop up a life with some measure of deliberate consistency and reflective dignity: i don't feel like trying hard or doing the right thing all the time, and i'm happy to leave my blind spots under the musty carpet for just one more day, plus i find it exhausting, truth be told, to be pushing myself to relentlessly grow and mature ad nauseum.
but i am now at a good place where i am able to actualize a need, a gift, if you will, just for myself. life is an intricate ebb and flow of giving away and receiving back, isn't it? so my need within this dynamic cycle is to carve out a snug space solely for me where i can rest, i can heal, i can renew and i can continually learn to be glad for all that i am.
i know myself. and i know what needs to happen in order for me to give the important moments in my life broad wings to fly. so i'm no longer going to apologise for wanting to make each of them count.
this fifth incarnation of the man with allegedly the most recognizable profile in the world feels exactly as it should. the producers should be praised for carefully retaining the style and mood of the indiana jones series which, i believe, is no easy feat to resist in this age of expensive and extensive cgi-overkill.
shame, then, about the chemistry-free cast and the tepid script involving a very bland villianess (a completely wasted cate blanchett!), a very shady best friend, a very easy-to-discover lost kingdom and a very fake-looking crystal skull from the no-holds barred title.
i can see how it could have worked in concept though. perhaps time hasn't been so kind to indy after all. he says it best in the trailer,
"it's not as easy as it used to be."
best enjoyed as a nostalgic stroll down memory lane; just don't expect to enjoy it too much.
i wearily click on the submit button and stare, half-awake, at the little progress bar indicating my last assignment for the semester is making its way to Perth, Australia byte by byte.
i realize, to my annoyance, that i have a headache; and that my chest hurts from hunching over the laptop all day.
everything about school appears like a blot in my peripheral vision; i know it's there but i can't focus on it. what have i been doing?
i close my eyes, shut out the throb, and it all starts to materialize: the demoralising in-class role-plays, the disasterous placement interview, the panic at being client-less, the overnight assignment sprints and now this pointless dawning that i didn't make this semester count very much.
the assignment reaches its destination safely. i hope i will, too.
all the reasons why i should tender my resignation have never been more vivid than at last week's staff meeting where they spilled from my lips in an unplanned and emotional outpouring.
in the queasy, possibly stunned, stillness that ensued, a flicker of regret arose as i calmed down but there was an unmistakable core of peace as well.
honesty is the best policy, or so the saying goes. what is not often said is that it requires a herculean effort to be truly honest when it really counts; or at least for me it does.
well, the deed is done, now what's next?
i have no idea. let's just see where the road ahead leads to.
pushing boundaries is risky and it's even harder to predict outcomes from it. the wachowski brothers, who achieved ridiculous fame and fortune from the matrix trilogy, have gambled with an old japanese cartoon from the 60's and innovatively repackaged it seemingly for audiences diagnosed with adhd.
nothing remains static in this explosively vibrant work which feels a bit like chewing a crammed mouthful of skittles, m&ms and jelly tots. the extensive and psychedelic cgi pound your senses along with the action-packed races while the storytelling blends past and present with split second transitions.
i also didn't care for some campy sequences but i thought speedracer was by and large a stylish ride; however, style, as the critics will attest to, is highly subjective. all the same, despite its obvious flaws, i left the cinema with a grin - read into that what you will.
thursday morning: i crawled uncharacteristically out of bed while it was still dark, in part because of an extremely disturbing nightmare which i will avoid detailing here (thank me!), and because of a throbbing left shoulder which felt like it had been viciously yanked about.
the day's inching progress didn't alleviate the mounting pain and by mid-pm i was ready to admit, albeit grudgingly, i needed relief:
"yes, i'm not fine and yes, i need help."
why does it feel like i'm betraying something sacred when i say those words? but it was either that or massive sedation with drugs i don't have, so i basically went with help.
there's something masochistic about subjecting oneself to the hands of a masseur/masseuse because they very often feel like demented claws of unrelenting torture. each stubborn knot gets squashed and mashed as i fight the instinct to release muffled squawks into the massage chair. i suppose it's really no different from working through the knots in life - they both hurt, they both take time, and did i mention they both hurt?
having survived the first session, i went back sheepishly two days later for another and signed up for a package. i could get to like this.
wedding dinners are usually not particularly fun nor memorable. fancy table settings, soft lighting, cheesy love songs, lots of flowers and maybe candles, oh and perfectly coiffed strangers at the table picking at dainty morsels while making polite conversation for 3 hrs layer into a glittering blur in the wedding dinner compartment of the memory bank.
it therefore came as a surprise to be part of one last weekend which felt, well, different. it seems the right kind of friends can easily tip the scales in favor of boisterous and rowdy fun.
half-drunk buddies aside, i'm not sure why there appears to be an innate and unspoken disdain for these romantic gestures. is it unnatural to genuinely be happy for the happy couple taking that big step down the dry-ice covered carpet towards a new life together? we love it when love conquers all on the big screen in tandem with lush violins, but when it stares us in the face without the glitz, without the glamor we can't even recognize it.
i hope i never become so cynical, or so blind, that i forget what love really looks like. 
so i very nearly lost my phone today, and no, it wasn't a deliberately devious act to grant myself an excuse to go shopping. to trim the un-gripping story short, i stupidly left my phone in the washroom (i hate using the word toilet) and it was found, an hour later, in the hands of a scruffy worker who was doing some installation work in church.
at the initial awful dawning that there was a good chance i would never see the little sony-ericsson again, it wasn't dismay at losing a sleek piece of technology which surfaced, but rather, annoyance at the thought of having to replace my sim card and painstakingly reassemble my contact list. that and a i-deserve-it-for-being-a-moron feeling were curiously intertwined in a kind of pouty resignation.
i suppose i have always been the stoic type; shrugging off horrific injustices like getting served with stale cake at coffee bean. i don't mind getting the shorter end of the stick, as it were, or perhaps i just can't muster up the energy to tantrum and rail.
even at the unexpected recovery of my phone i merely thanked the red-handed worker for finding it when it was quite apparant his intentions were less than honorable.
maybe i'm just a wuss.
the last time hollywood decided to make a film about the exotic far east, 3 of asia's leading actresses were paid a ton of moolah to fortune-cookie-speak their way through the very weighty and somber 'memoirs of a geisha'. this year, we get another borderline-insulting attempt although this one, thankfully, doesn't take itself seriously at all.
once you get past the inexplicability of the characters vacillating between heavily accented english and heavily accented mandarin, as well as the obviousness of the villans from their heavy eye makeup, a playful core is revealed and it becomes difficult to resist appreciating the ride on some level.
strong production values, slick choreography, hammy dialogue and a likable michael angarano as the gawky teenage lead add to the fun, but it's the energy and chemistry which veterans jackie chan and jet li bring to their roles that elevate this goofy american tribute to the classic asian martial arts genre to enjoyable heights.
the morning began with the dreaded conundrum i've been evading for months now, "so what are your plans after graduation?"
since a pefectly happy solution to the perfectly reasonable question doesn't exist yet, my response was another frantic dredging up of a pat reply which appeared to narrowly deflect an alarmed interrogation this time.
so a crisis was averted, albeit very temporarily, until the next concerned and/or curious person innocently asks. it is of no respite that each passing day brings me closer to the end of the year when i'll supposedly graduate and reminds me this has been simmering on the back burner since before the course began even. i guess time is running out for me to keep running away from working it out.
how do i ready myself to say goodbye? i hate this.
nearly 2 years of anticipation faded too quickly under the garish lights of downtown east's grand opening of e!hub last sunday. the massive amount of tacky flashing strobes wrapped around its entire facade can't distract from the dismal revelation that this project was helmed by someone with no interest whatsoever in architecture, design, taste or sense.
i am bewildered at how a seasoned mall-culture such as ours could possible produce something which does nearly everything wrong. with the oddest selection of stores, the most awkward layout possible, the bland interiors and the overcompensatory exterior, it very nearly feels like *deep breath* this was intentionlly put together as a joke - a really bad joke.
i, of course, find it decidedly un-funny that i'm now living right next to the worst mall ever. however, on the bright side that could do with more wattage, at least cathay cinema is there, as is coffee bean & tea leaf.
i should learn to count very loudly, and cherish very fondly, this teeny blessing.
despite having no background whatsoever on the iron man character from marvel, i found myself easily drawn into the logical and controlled unfolding of this summer's first superhero blockbuster. maneuvering deftly between rascally and serious, the always surprising robert downey jr leads us on a believable journey of one man's mammoth quest to right his past wrongs.
together with the lovely gwyneth paltrow in another elegant portrayal as downey's razor sharp assistant, and a nearly unrecognizable jeff bridges as the hulking and snarling friend turned foe, it feels like the genre has finally decided to respect its audience.
in our golden age of defiant individualism, the ties that bind are best discarded as quickly as possible.
but realizing that we can never completely be free from our family can be liberating in itself.
so come on home, then deal with it. 
there have been occasions where i have been presented with the question, "what is normal?"
it's a difficult question to approach, perhaps because i'm so deeply mired in the concept itself - that unspoken social conditioning that 'normal' thought expends itself best on the pressing challenges of, say, sociatal or corporate ladderism.
part of my current training, however, gleefully nudges me into the murky depths of philsophical and existential debate; which led me to ponder: isn't normality, at the end of the day, a product of social construction; sets upon sets of mores and values that owe their existence to popular culture and mass attitudes?
is it wisdom, then, to place so much emphasis on a value which alters according to an unyielding rhythm of time and space?
in my efforts to be more aware of the tendency to attach labels to the experiences of others, i have come to realize how easily unique realities can be thoughtlessly marginalized and conveniently categorized as deviant or requiring professional help.
this also helps me understand why i've always hated the idea of the bell curve which attempts to create neat descriptions to slot performance into. those who fall in the extreme ends of the curve are either extraordinary geniuses or hopeless underachievers. the bulk, though, sit nicely in the bulge right in between.
that's normal, right?
i still have no answer to the question; but i'm learning that perhaps a greater respect for the complexity and vastness of human experience will lead me closer to finding one.
i conducted my first bona fide counseling session today, a full two months after my posting.
it is more than a little disconcerting to realize how much time has snuck by so quickly since; but i am grateful, nonetheless, to be able to finally begin my clinical practicum.
watch your thoughts for they become words.
choose your words for they become actions.
understand your actions for they become habits.
study your habits for they become your character.
develop your character for it becomes your destiny.
~
anonymous
by casting crowns
is there anyone that fails, is there anyone that falls?
am i the only one in church today feelin' so small?
cause when i take a look around everybody seems so strong.
i know they'll soon discover that i don't belong.
so i tuck it all away, like everything's okay.
if i make them all believe it, maybe i'll believe it too?
so with a painted grin, i play the part again,
so everyone will see me the way that i see them.
are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain?
but if the invitation's open to every heart that has been broken,
maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade?
is there anyone who's been there? are there any hands to raise?
am i the only one who's traded in the altar for a stage?
the performance is convincing and we know every line by heart;
only when no one is watching can we really fall apart.
but would it set me free if i dared to let you see
the truth behind the person that you imagine me to be?
would your arms be open or would you walk away?
would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?
i've always thought that i would make a half-competent actor but it seems nothing could be further from the truth.
part of the class this past weekend involved developing various personas for mock counseling sessions with each other. the challenge involved was to pretend to embody a whole other person, and to bring him/her to life as a way for us fledging counselors to practice our feeble magic on.
some of my classmates were able to sink deep into their psyches to haul out copious amounts of fraying raw emotions and intense korean drama serial-like existences.
i, on the other hand, can't do much more than be low-key and simmeringly subdued with a petulant scowl which astute readers would immediately identify as me being me.
however, i discovered something new over the weekend, and that is acting isn't about pretending to be someone you are not. it is about allowing someone within to emerge.
which begs the question: who is this person and why is he/she kept hidden away? 
what is the honest and complete self? is it not the totality of everything that we try to forget, to hide and to bury; everything that makes us weep, rage and laugh; everything that brings us pride, shame and fear; everything that leads us to hope, despair and love?
i can understand, though, that it is far easier to don a mask, any mask, because acceptance is so rare a gift that no one allows themselves to expect it. isn't that the saddest truth of all?
remember one of my 08 resolutions about taking up jazz piano? obviously it hasn't happened, nor is it likely to going by how this semester has been for me so far, so i did the next best thing and ordered a spiffy little digital piano from yamaha.
now, it is usually highly debatable what can be defined as 'best' and for whom is it 'best', so let me just clarify up front that in the exciting experience of my very logical world buying a big expensive toy in place of music lessons is perfectly acceptable and/or encouraged.
to put it in even greater perspective, this is a decision that i've been agonizing over for eons as i already own a decent upright. my dilemma is effected by the strange fact that i never get to practice on it since it's in the same room as (a) my dad playing his violin, (b) my mom watching television and (c) my dad playing his violin while my mom is watching television.
some people enjoy that kind of stimulation which borders on sensory assault. as for me, i appreciate a less discordant environment.
i considered lugging the poor underused piano into my room but it would sound too loud in such a small space and i would still be unable to practice late at night for fear of neighborly wrath. so i finally took a deep breath and placed the order for a digital version last friday.
the yamaha p85 arrives on thursday. i can't wait.
sometimes things happen right in the midst of the very expected; which proves it's folly to rest in predictability.
the last time i fell down a flight of steps, it was thanks to a running boy who collided into me during recess at primary school, causing me to tumble down a long stretch of dusty concrete stairs. fast forward to last thurday when, quite surprising, i missed my step right as i exited the mrt station. i'm definitely not fleet-footedly inclined nor do i possess reflexes of lightning, so my breathless attempt to avoid slamming face down onto the ground ended instead in a nasty sprain.
Limping home, i was puzzled as to how i managed to accomplish that feat when i must have used those steps a million times.
fortunately the injured ankle appears to be recovering day by day. now, save for a pang of soreness, i can pretty much walk normally. however, those stairs will have to rebuild my trust again...
as you loyal readers will have anticipated, it's about time i acquired some new tech toy. so for starters, i sold the htc touch.
i know i was beside myself with delirium when i finally bought the touch in jan but the heartbreaking truth is that i didn't like it once i started using it. smsing on the touch turned out to be a huge chore because of the touch screen and let me tell you just what a slap in the face that was since this very same "awesome" touch screen was the main reason i lusted after it so intently. nonetheless i had resolved stoically to bear with having to use the phone with surgical precision and only when standing still. however, when friends started complaining of poor call quality, well, that made me think twice about keeping it.
anyway, the good news is i sold the touch for more than i paid for it and bought a cheaper 2nd hand phone. please say hello to the sony ericsson k770i:
so will this new phone go the distance with me? i really, really hope so, but let's not set anything in stone here lest i be further embarassed some near future down the road.
i received this in an email from lil and thought it was worth saving.
the paradox of our time in history is that:
we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
wider freeways but narrower viewpoints.
we spend more but have less,
we buy more but enjoy less.
we have bigger houses and smaller families,
more conveniences but less time.
we have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge but less judgment.
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine but less wellness.
we drink too much, smoke too much,
spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry,
stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.
we have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values.
we talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
we've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
we've added years to life not life to years.
we've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
we've conquered outer space but not inner space.
we've done larger things but not better things.
we've cleaned up the air but polluted the soul.
we've conquered the atom but not our prejudice.
we write more but learn less.
we plan more but accomplish less.
we've learned to rush, but not to wait.
we've built computers to hold more information but we communicate less.
these are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.
these are the days of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses but broken homes.
these are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
it is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
remember, to say, 'i love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. a kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
give time to love, give time to speak! and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
and always remember:
life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
by george carlin, who penned these wise words after the passing of his wife.
spanish director guillermo del toro is fast becoming one of my favorite names in moviedom. his latest masterpiece artfully displays his tremendous ability to mesmerise his audience. every scene is gripping in its presence, its purpose and leaves you breathlessly wanting more. the tale of a mother's love, equal part terrifying and poignant, is elegantly composed into an emotional vice which grips and leads you towards its devastating finale.
the verdict among my friends, after we stopped shaking, was unanimous: el orfanato is a rare class act and i recommend it unreservedly.
by william blake
"Father, father, where are you going?
Oh do not walk so fast!
Speak, father, speak to your little boy,
or else I shall be lost."
the night was dark, no father was there,
the child was wet with dew.
the mire was deep, and the child did weep,
and away the vapour flew.
korean actress jeon do-yeon won the best actress accolade at the 2007 cannes film festival for her portrayal of a woman coping with senseless tragedy and immense loss. the movie employs a very factual style, infusing it with a near-documentaric flair which effortlessly lifts it beyond mere story-telling. filled to the brim with relentless realism in its portraiture of life, this movie will either draw you in, or unapologetically shut you out.
it has been nearly a decade since i last wore a watch. i can't recall exactly why i stopped wearing them either. maybe time wasn't very important then.
but here i am now, needing it, so i bought one.
it's a chunky formal watch from swatch which i believe will come in very handy during my counseling sessions. i could discreetly sneak a peek at it to check on the time instead of staring blatantly at the wall clock. some clients might be sensitive about what that act implies about them.
of course, that could only happen if i actually have clients to work with. so here's hoping my supervisor will miraculously read this.
local director kelvin tong's latest big screen project is a dank and claustrophobic work that genuinely delivers the creeps. armed with a good concept and bolstered by strong performances from his two leads (hong kong actors shawn yue & ekin cheng), tong cranks up the scares and meddles with your mind as he accelerates towards the disturbingly depressing climax.
however, i thought his handling of the story was clumsy at times and the mandarin dubbing felt jarringly tacked on. still, that didn't diminish his eye for style and mood.
so i dragged my feet through my last assignment. again.
only this time it was the worst experience yet because i couldn't get my mind to start building the structure of my paper. without at least a skeletal framework i can only stare at the blinking cursor on the screen at best.
with my notes and research strewn around my work area, all i could see was a thick swirling sludge of letters and concepts like wet grey cement in a noisy mixer.
i wasn't really upset with being late to submit, but more with how tough it was for me to pull everything together this time. am i just rusty with using my mind?
or is it something worse?
it was almost a year ago that i saw nick. this time, enroute to visiting his new relatives in china, he's back for a couple of days as one rotund half of a happy couple.
in many ways, he's still exactly the same person i've known for the last two decades; from his deadpan intonation, self-deprecating humor and left hair parting to his penchant for gadgetry and mysteriously eternal stock of checkered shirts. but there's a subtlety in how he has evolved as well. i caught him and rebecca sharing a private joke over dinner, their eyes and mouths creased into a knowing silent laugh and i felt myself recede in a rush into the anonymity of the restaurant crowd.
it was a fleetingly beautiful moment; and a thought arose from it,
"you're going to be ok, nick."
and i felt glad.
i found this funny; at the same time, there was a curious pang of guilt in the humor. i am frequently surprised at the inordinate amount of time that is lost once i get going on the comp but maybe not enough to actually do something about it yet.
weekends usually come and go in a swift haze, so it's a treat to revel in an unusual one when it does comes along.
i experienced a lot, felt alot and learnt even more over the past three days. school has been nothing less than surprising, and what i gain each time classes are held have been invaluable in challenging and shaping me.
the downside to all that intensity is complete emotional saturation and physical exhaustion. still, it's nothing a 13hr sleep can't begin to mend [with maybe a bowl of smooth tomato soup].
i felt good after this weekend. i hope you did, too.
so it turned out that i was embarassingly premature in my mildly celebratory post a week ago. i did screw up my interview after all but not enough to warrant an outright rejection. instead, the agency's offer to accept me as an intern came with a one month probation condition attached.
the memory of my dream becomes uncomfortably startling in its prophetic overtones.
my field placement coordinator delivered the news and kindly gave me this past weekend to decide. should i accept their terms and risk failing the probation after the month concludes? for my placement, the requirement is to clock in 100hrs this semester and losing 4 weeks will make it a veritable nightmare to play catch up at a new agency.
a part of me wanted to grab the challenge defiantly by its collar; to prove to the agency that i deserved a place among them and to prove to myself that i possess the necessary eptitude for this work. but was this just my bruised ego raging?
it took me a few days to stabilize my shaken confidence, and after mulling over the process, i can say that i did the best i could during the interview. since that still falls short of the agency's standards i should then be humble enough to admit i'm not suitable for their needs.
after i came to terms with it, i felt a whole lot more at peace with myself. when God closes a door, He opens a window, right?
so i emailed my decision to my field placement coordinator and he arranged a new posting for me. stay tuned for part iii [hopefully this post will end happily as a trilogy]!
despite its directorial pedigree and mind-blowing effects, the tissue-thin characters and largely-missing script disappoints; even videogames tell better stories these days.
however, the kid in me enjoyed imagining the possibilities that the gift of teleportation could open up. see the cool guy atop the sphinx in the movie poster? how could i say no to that?
feb 14 can be a really hazardous day.
you could get blinded by the colors of intense red and pink, or have the outlines of hearts burned into your retina permanently, or develop nausea from the relentless bombardment of the word 'love'. you might also need to sell half of everything you own to afford dinner in restaurants, most of which have evidently been taken over by opportunistic white-collar criminals.
or it could be spent deepening affection and understanding, strengthening emotional cords and adding towards a firmer foundation.
thank you, lil, for exactly that. and i want to remember this day, so that each day ahead can be just like this.
happy v-day every day.
if the header for today's post sounds like a strange horror movie, that's because it almost is.
it all began with an anxious evening of speculating tragic scenerios about the upcoming interview for my field placement. an uneasy foray into sleep later, a disturbingly vivid dream about mucking up the interview process had me back in tight knots.
after i hauled myself out of bed at noon today, i spent the next 3 hrs trying to avoid thinking about the impending ordeal but, of course, i could imagine nothing else and dreaded every crawling minute.
the interview itself was conducted before a panel of 3 and consisted of, interestingly, 3 segments as well. the first, a rather simple getting-to-know-you q&a session went by without much drama. the second segment required me to study a bona fide case and deliver my impressions, recommendations and action plan after 10 mins. the last was a role-play with one of the panel and was meant for them to assess my core competencies as a counselor.
thanks to the friendly and encouraging demeanor of the panel, i was able to keep my cool (or at least pretend that i did) and i went out of there feeling like i did an ok job.
so my dream didn't come to pass after all. all glory to God!
another week of earnest well-wishing and raucous fellowship of the lunar new year is winding down to a close. near-empty bottles of sweet and savory goodies line the shelves as the seasonal decorations of red and gold are being taken down. the work-week splutters to a reluctant start while the memory of the holiday excesses lingers fondly.
i have to admit that i had a great time, even though the visitation itinerary tripled in length this year. it was exhausting and ended up with me feeling over-socialized (not that it takes much for me to get there) but i honestly found the whole experience to be a real treat.
so allow me to raise a figurative toast to family and friends, to health and laughter, to quietude and reflection, to the most amazing kueh bang kit i've ever eaten, and to God for the gifts of all that i hold dear and near to my heart.
till next year.
this somewhat-acclaimed film adapted from a short story by the most recognizable name in horror, stephen king, is actually a study on the man's propensity to descend even to madness in order to find sanity. our hunky hero, naturally, doesn't belong to the ilk of common folk; but even well-meaning leading men are not spared from twists of fate, no matter how cruel.
by combining basketball and martial arts, two personal hobbies of taiwan's r&b prince, jay chou, the end result is a nonsensical and even whimsical showcase of his goofy likability and endearing enthusiasm. he enjoys himself so much in his own forgettable star vehicle that for a brief moment, we do, too. 
this lauded french work succeeds admirably in bringing to life what a man suffering from near-total paralysis cannot share or explain. achingly riveting and beautifully shot, this poignant tale is based on a true story.
as a fan of tim burton and johnny depp, i was assured of a good time. i loved the gothic air pervading every frame, the melancholic melodies and the underlying humor and dark irony which has become burton's hallmark. but my taste for violence has diminished dramatically with age and i found it difficult to stomach the first throat-slashing scene to the last.
i had honestly intended to wait till i found the lx2 a good home before getting a new replacement cam for the soon-to-be former replacement cam. but a good deal reared its pretty head and i grasped it with almost no thought.
sure it wasn't even the one i had set my eyes on but the difference of a hundred bucks or two can sure sway the heart like little else can. extravagance be banished, at least for this year.
say hello to the sony cybershot t20.
other than gushable looks, this is not the most competent compact camera around although performance and features are above average while picture quality is merely pleasing at best (to quote most review sites). but for sheer pocketability this sure has the lx2 beat; and knowing it can be ready for action within a second boosts spontaneity tremendously.
serious photography can wait.
this morning, i put the panasonic lx2 up for sale on the photography forums.
after i made the somewhat painful decision to let the konica-minolta dslr go last year, i was determined to find the right compact replacement. much bleary-eyed research later, the lx2, with its brilliant feature set, stellar output and handsome styling, emerged as the obvious candidate with no real rivals. yet for the past 6 or 7 months with this camera, i never became comfortable with using it. i guess specs aren't everything.
what a shame.
but don't bring out the tissues yet for here's more dismal news: my interest in photography hasn't waned so i still want a decent piece of equipment, but perhaps something more pocketable than the panasonic this time.
my budget? nothing above what i sell the lx2 for. so let's hope i get some good offers.
by casting crowns
i once was lost, but now i’m found;
i once was lost, but now i’m found.
so far away, but i’m home now.
i once was lost, but now i’m found
and now my lifesong sings.
i once was blind, but now i see;
i once was blind, but now i see.
i don’t know how, but when He touched me;
i once was blind, but now i see.
and now my lifesong sings;
and now my lifesong sings;
and now my lifesong sings.
i once was dead, but now i live;
i once was dead, but now i live.
now my life to You I give;
now my life to You I give;
now my life to You I give.
hallelujah, hallelujah
let my lifesong sing to You.
one of the interesting elements of a new year is the renewed desire to start everything afresh, to sojourn through another 12 months with accumulated wisdom in the earnest hope to right past wrongs.
irony can't laugh hard enough at the people the world over who fall blindly into the same viciously-looping trap we innocently call the new year. it must be the word 'new' that throws everyone off.
as you may have cleverly surmised, yours truly is one such poor sod who, very fortunately, narrowly averted a disasterous decision to invest in a new nikon camera system thanks to a rare and timely flood of sensibility.
i must admit that i miss my camera-lugging, shoulder-bruising, picture-making days; and to set the record straight, declare that it has never been my intention to abandon it completely. so of late, the temptation to revitalize this hobby had been increasing its death grip on me till i was on the cusp of making contact with sellers of camera equipment and lenses. 
how did i come so close to the crackling bonfire? nothing has changed since the decision to part with the konica-minolta. i'm still expecting to be busy with school and work, and time to hone my craft will still be scarce, perhaps even more so than before. but somehow, logic gets crushed by such passionate longing that all that seems irrelevant and trite.
so, i will pack this part of me neatly into a box and shelve it for 08. and if you catch me sneaking a peek, you have permission to kick my ass.
now to post this before i change my mind.
so the first weekend of class has gone by in a flurry of note-taking, lectures, discussions, roleplays, sharings, videos and starbucks lattes.
i was a little surprised that i enjoyed it all, and even learnt some things from it; and all that in spite of my initial determination to be fatalistically morose about it [see post directly below for sheepishly irrefutable proof].
i hope the good vibe sustains itself through the rest of the semester.
i had not been looking forward to the start of semester 3. that was partly influenced by trepidation regarding my clinical practicuum, dread regarding the assignments, and of course, the big bum in me wanting to be on vacation 24/7.
it looks like my fears are not unfounded; or at least half of them are. the expectations for assignments have been raised a notch and there's also a massive project to undertake which involves not only me, but everyone i know whom i call family all the way up the tree.
did i mention i wasn't looking forward to this?
it has been months of fighting the near-rabid desire to acquire the htc touch - a pda/phone hybrid housed in a sleek and curvy body. its main selling point, however, is the revolutionary interface known as the touchflo which enables the user, that's me, to easily [and stylishly] manipulate the touch with a finger swipe or two.
and patience does pay off, i'm glad to report. in waiting till i was eligible to recontract my mobile line, i was rewarded with an enhanced unit which htc released just last month in response to the unexpectedly soaring sales for the original touch.
so no more running into crowded stores just to catch a glimpse of the touch behind smeary glass cabinets, or reading and re-reading online reviews, or watching and re-watching youtube videos about it.
now, perhaps, some semblance of sanity can return.
now that the ballyhooed getaway is over and done with, it's time to consolidate the good times before they are lost to the approaching weeks.
i'm not going to muse about how nice it was to be by myself... etc because that would be like flogging a dead horse, so i'll just list the most memorable things as they surface. it's not very innovative, i know, but it gets the job done.
slowing down
i'm surprised at how much easier it is to pray and meditate when there aren't a zillion things worrying me. the implication is therefore that i worry too much most of the time, which also leads one to conclude that i don't pray and meditate as much as i should [it's funny how this one turned out to be a confession but i guess good memories come in all forms, especially unexpected ones].
lessons
on the 2nd night, the rousing voices of a group gathered in the house next door singing 'just a closer walk with thee' caught me by total surprise. i stood outside my room, on the verandah, in the chilly night air, listening to them singing, no, proclaiming chorus after chorus. the songs they sang were old, but each line was ringing with such fervent truth through the darkness. even when we are not seeking, God speaks and teaches every day!
quietude
silence is indeed golden, and for me, enjoyably so. other than to order food and make purchases, i barely needed to converse at all. while waiting for the bus on the morning of my return home, i met a chatty canadian tourist who insisted on sharing with me all about his travels. i'm guessing it's because i was the only other person there. however, for all his friendliness, i couldn't decide if i was annoyed or intrigued, but i identified an odd sensation, almost as if i was re-acclimating to prolonged conversation again. now as to whether that's a healthy trait, well, i'm going to sit on the fence on it for a bit.
another world
on the last night of the trip, i chanced upon a well-worn copy of the kite runner, a prize-winning debut novel by afghan-american writer khaled hosseini laying around in the common area. i ended up with 3 enthralling hours submerged in a moving tale of betrayal and redemption. it has been so many years since i've thoroughly enjoyed a good book that i've forgotten the relish that comes from devouring page after page of a well-told tale.
finally, pictures!
i didn't use the camera much at all this trip, in fact i kept forgetting to bring it along with me. as cameron highlands is famed for its cool climate, the agricultural landscape of the region is therefore prolific and lush. these snaps were taken of the flowers found in the wild and at the guest house i was staying in, and close this post with images as lovely as my memories of the place.
so it's day 5 of the break, and i finally had the good sense to plan an excursion to the only wifi spot in town with my lappie in tow. i guess there are some things, like himbosity, which never change even with clear mountain air and zero schedules.
this isn't quite a snugly-fitting description but it has been an interesting week. it all began with a horrifying bad monster movie screening on the bus up to kl; dinocroc: how could i ever forget thee [even though i desperately wish i could]? that was followed by 2 days of sleeping in, lounging around dinesh's apartment, getting sick of maggie's curry-flavored instant noodles and watching dated b-grade movies on cable tv.
on wed, i took the morning bus up to cameron highlands and arrived, thankfully, before the nausea from the winding journey kicked in full force. just in time for lunch, no less. i settled myself in at a quaint little guest house with the most vibrant flower garden and a lovely window from which to watch the grey rains pour non-stop the rest of the day.
i expected cameron highlands to be cool, weather-wise i mean, but i didn't think it would be cold. i realised on thur morning, when i awoke in a frozen ball, how rather ill-prepared i was for the high country. but one makes the best of the situation, i thought, as i thawed out in the hot shower. i explored tanah rata, the little town that i was in, acquired a map and generally bummed the day away between aimless meanderings and the psp.
my alarm got me reluctantly out of bed before dawn and i spent friday morning attempting a couple of mountain trails found on the map. none were very interesting, sad to say, but i enjoyed the sense of solitude, quietly trudging along the uneven trails by running water with the sun rising beyond the dark foliage above.
there's still the rest of one last day here, but i'll just take each hour as it comes. there are no cinemas, no starbucks, no mega malls to be found here; just a slow and steady rhythm of life in a sleepy town. this trip wasn't so much about doing stuff or seeing things, but just to be by myself and with myself.
i guess i'm the kind of person that just needs to run away from all that is familiar and routine on occasion, and just spend quality time finding me again. does that make sense?
so, bottomline, has it been a good trip? as i think about it, i realize it's unfair to phrase a simple yes/no answer. there is undoubtedly the good from the me time which i needed, but there's also the not-so-good from the lack of experience in planning a trip like this. i guess there could have been more accomplished, though exactly what i can't say either. or maybe i'm just unwilling to commit one way or another, haha.
but i can say with great certainty that i had a good time. maybe that's what counts.
i was admittedly a tad worried that i would end up spending my upcoming break battling the flu and other viral delights; which is why it's such a miracle that i'm almost mended save for the random cough and low-pitched speaking voice.
i have been so looking forward to this getaway time that i was determined to see it through; even if it meant a sneezing and hacking confinement in a motel somewhere with a mountain of cheap tissues and a wonky television.
that's how badly i need this!
which is also why i am so thankful that i woke up this morning without the burning lump in my throat and leaky nose that i went to bed with.
who would know what we need better than God?
this is my 3rd post for the week which means i'm on track with one of my resolutions. yay for me!
so i kicked off the new year with a brilliant party at henry & jenny's, followed by two days of headaches, body aches, hacking up green phlegm-balls and vacillating between nausea and giddiness.
what a great start, huh?
that effectively puts my grand plans of world domination and exercising on hold, hopefully for not much longer. however, after sleeping through the entire day, i am feeling somewhat better.
the evening air feels cool and crisp outside, i think i'm gonna take a walk. and maybe get a little ice-cream along the way. yay!