in our golden age of defiant individualism, the ties that bind are best discarded as quickly as possible.
but realizing that we can never completely be free from our family can be liberating in itself.
so come on home, then deal with it. 
there have been occasions where i have been presented with the question, "what is normal?"
it's a difficult question to approach, perhaps because i'm so deeply mired in the concept itself - that unspoken social conditioning that 'normal' thought expends itself best on the pressing challenges of, say, sociatal or corporate ladderism.
part of my current training, however, gleefully nudges me into the murky depths of philsophical and existential debate; which led me to ponder: isn't normality, at the end of the day, a product of social construction; sets upon sets of mores and values that owe their existence to popular culture and mass attitudes?
is it wisdom, then, to place so much emphasis on a value which alters according to an unyielding rhythm of time and space?
in my efforts to be more aware of the tendency to attach labels to the experiences of others, i have come to realize how easily unique realities can be thoughtlessly marginalized and conveniently categorized as deviant or requiring professional help.
this also helps me understand why i've always hated the idea of the bell curve which attempts to create neat descriptions to slot performance into. those who fall in the extreme ends of the curve are either extraordinary geniuses or hopeless underachievers. the bulk, though, sit nicely in the bulge right in between.
that's normal, right?
i still have no answer to the question; but i'm learning that perhaps a greater respect for the complexity and vastness of human experience will lead me closer to finding one.
i conducted my first bona fide counseling session today, a full two months after my posting.
it is more than a little disconcerting to realize how much time has snuck by so quickly since; but i am grateful, nonetheless, to be able to finally begin my clinical practicum.
watch your thoughts for they become words.
choose your words for they become actions.
understand your actions for they become habits.
study your habits for they become your character.
develop your character for it becomes your destiny.
~
anonymous
by casting crowns
is there anyone that fails, is there anyone that falls?
am i the only one in church today feelin' so small?
cause when i take a look around everybody seems so strong.
i know they'll soon discover that i don't belong.
so i tuck it all away, like everything's okay.
if i make them all believe it, maybe i'll believe it too?
so with a painted grin, i play the part again,
so everyone will see me the way that i see them.
are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples
with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain?
but if the invitation's open to every heart that has been broken,
maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade?
is there anyone who's been there? are there any hands to raise?
am i the only one who's traded in the altar for a stage?
the performance is convincing and we know every line by heart;
only when no one is watching can we really fall apart.
but would it set me free if i dared to let you see
the truth behind the person that you imagine me to be?
would your arms be open or would you walk away?
would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay?
i've always thought that i would make a half-competent actor but it seems nothing could be further from the truth.
part of the class this past weekend involved developing various personas for mock counseling sessions with each other. the challenge involved was to pretend to embody a whole other person, and to bring him/her to life as a way for us fledging counselors to practice our feeble magic on.
some of my classmates were able to sink deep into their psyches to haul out copious amounts of fraying raw emotions and intense korean drama serial-like existences.
i, on the other hand, can't do much more than be low-key and simmeringly subdued with a petulant scowl which astute readers would immediately identify as me being me.
however, i discovered something new over the weekend, and that is acting isn't about pretending to be someone you are not. it is about allowing someone within to emerge.
which begs the question: who is this person and why is he/she kept hidden away? 
what is the honest and complete self? is it not the totality of everything that we try to forget, to hide and to bury; everything that makes us weep, rage and laugh; everything that brings us pride, shame and fear; everything that leads us to hope, despair and love?
i can understand, though, that it is far easier to don a mask, any mask, because acceptance is so rare a gift that no one allows themselves to expect it. isn't that the saddest truth of all?
remember one of my 08 resolutions about taking up jazz piano? obviously it hasn't happened, nor is it likely to going by how this semester has been for me so far, so i did the next best thing and ordered a spiffy little digital piano from yamaha.
now, it is usually highly debatable what can be defined as 'best' and for whom is it 'best', so let me just clarify up front that in the exciting experience of my very logical world buying a big expensive toy in place of music lessons is perfectly acceptable and/or encouraged.
to put it in even greater perspective, this is a decision that i've been agonizing over for eons as i already own a decent upright. my dilemma is effected by the strange fact that i never get to practice on it since it's in the same room as (a) my dad playing his violin, (b) my mom watching television and (c) my dad playing his violin while my mom is watching television.
some people enjoy that kind of stimulation which borders on sensory assault. as for me, i appreciate a less discordant environment.
i considered lugging the poor underused piano into my room but it would sound too loud in such a small space and i would still be unable to practice late at night for fear of neighborly wrath. so i finally took a deep breath and placed the order for a digital version last friday.
the yamaha p85 arrives on thursday. i can't wait.
sometimes things happen right in the midst of the very expected; which proves it's folly to rest in predictability.
the last time i fell down a flight of steps, it was thanks to a running boy who collided into me during recess at primary school, causing me to tumble down a long stretch of dusty concrete stairs. fast forward to last thurday when, quite surprising, i missed my step right as i exited the mrt station. i'm definitely not fleet-footedly inclined nor do i possess reflexes of lightning, so my breathless attempt to avoid slamming face down onto the ground ended instead in a nasty sprain.
Limping home, i was puzzled as to how i managed to accomplish that feat when i must have used those steps a million times.
fortunately the injured ankle appears to be recovering day by day. now, save for a pang of soreness, i can pretty much walk normally. however, those stairs will have to rebuild my trust again...
as you loyal readers will have anticipated, it's about time i acquired some new tech toy. so for starters, i sold the htc touch.
i know i was beside myself with delirium when i finally bought the touch in jan but the heartbreaking truth is that i didn't like it once i started using it. smsing on the touch turned out to be a huge chore because of the touch screen and let me tell you just what a slap in the face that was since this very same "awesome" touch screen was the main reason i lusted after it so intently. nonetheless i had resolved stoically to bear with having to use the phone with surgical precision and only when standing still. however, when friends started complaining of poor call quality, well, that made me think twice about keeping it.
anyway, the good news is i sold the touch for more than i paid for it and bought a cheaper 2nd hand phone. please say hello to the sony ericsson k770i:
so will this new phone go the distance with me? i really, really hope so, but let's not set anything in stone here lest i be further embarassed some near future down the road.