So I was home from work yesterday, listening to music in my room, basically minding my own business; I heard my dad come in and jabber excitedly to my mom about something I couldn't make out. Then it hit me. The evil and unmistakable stench of durians stabbed my nostrils ruthlessly before engulfing my being like a deadly mist that's so commonly found in cliched RPG storylines. In the throes of death, I somehow managed to summon the will to close my bedroom door before any more damage could be done to my mind. Ok so I'm spicing up the account just a teensy bit, but you get the idea.
Finally I had no choice but to stagger out of my bedroom when dinner was ready. My dad, who always asks if I want to share some durian (or shellfish) with him, pointed to a frighteningly large plastic bag of mangosteens slowly getting poisoned by the durians it was lying next to.
"Wow," I thought, "it's death by mangosteens today."
Now don't misunderstand me, I do like mangosteens. They're always sweet and easy to eat (though a tad messy) and they're kinda cutesy-looking. But a whole mountain of them? Isn't that like way too much of a good thing?
And I guess, in the same way, everything in life needs to be taken in measured doses. I remember being young (and dumb) and wanting the good things to never end. I'm sure we all have those moments, right? The party you never want to leave, the movie you never want to end, or the buffet you wish you could stuff yourself with for eternity. Now I'm older (but still dumb) and I've learnt that eventually one WILL tire of it all. Things that can be measured will eventually lose their value.
But the intangible things of life - like the unconditional love of family and friends will always remain unquestioningly valuable, even in times when you feel like strangling them for getting on your case. And as I pondered about that, I wondered if they could think the same way of me?
So I did eat as many mangosteens as I humanly could; it's a way to show my appreciation for my dad's thoughtfulness. But I had to bring a bag of them to work today, though; I mean, it's still a mountain afterall!
How is it that can one be completely and unflinchingly focused upon attaining a set goal despite the ups and downs of daily living? Today I'm in one of my inexplicable grey moods where I feel generally lethargic and maybe a twinge depressed.
I remember it used to be a lot worse; I would not talk to anyone, or feel like doing anything, and was definitely no picnic to be around. My deepest apologies to all those who had to be around me during those times! Of course, this only added to my aura of mystique...
So anyway, I think it's post-exam blues for me. You know, I've been stressing out about my voice exam and gearing myself up for it, training and trying to keep focused...etc. Now that it's over, well, I guess I don't know where to channel all this energy anymore. Not to mention the general slump I'm in because I boo-booed the exam. I suppose the videogames (Suikoden II rox) are getting the attention right now, but as everybody knows, videogames are intense but have brief lifespans.
Of course I have a huge project to helm though - Shalom's 25th Anniversary program for next year. Ugh, I have almost no idea where to start. I've been scouring online for some relevant resources but so far I've scrounged up almost zilch. Also been trying to plan something for the music min so that it'll be better organized. After all, I can't spoonfeed them forever.
Finally, dropping out of SBC was really not the breather I hoped it would be. I mean, it is, but not in a relaxing-sipping-coconuts-by-the-breezy-beach kinda way. Guess I feel kinda guilty about it. Arrgh, so this is what an undeserved break can feel like. Maybe I should claw my way out of this rut. Or maybe not yet...
My voice exam on 20 July was a real disappointment for myself. While I'm very thankful that the 2nd half of the exam which I had been dreading turned out to be most manageable, it was the singing, which I have supposedly been practicing the past 4 months, which I sorely messed up.
I'm not sure where to begin in diagnosing what went so horribly wrong. Maybe the combination of nerves and the onset of a throat infection had an effect. After all, I was still trying to memorise my German lyrics just before the exam. Or I just simply didn't step up to the challenge when it was presented. The bottom line: I didn't do what I was supposed to do when I was supposed to do it.
I don't know even know if this qualifies as having tried my best. But in not preparing myself adequately mentally and physically for the exam, I can't say that I did my best in all good conscience. So there you have it, I had months leading up to this moment, and I blew it.
The brokeness of the human spirit is a very sad event. For this is the same spirit that is able to perform feats of astounding physical and emotional endurance; yet it can be shattered by the betrayal and callousness of someone that spirit has cleaved itself to.
Watching a friend struggle through divorce is like watching someone gasp for air to survive. What goes through the mind of a person for whom their next painful breath might be their last? She doesn't know what will happen next, or whether she's making the right choice for herself and her two young children. And for an outsider, it's hard to simply watch, not knowing how to contribute nor to make a difference.
It seems so insipid to say that we can only pray. But the power of prayer is not to be underestimated. And I pray that this ordeal will be over for her, and she will be able to begin the journey of mending her heart and her spirit with God's gentle comfort and the fellowship of her friends.
