the only constant is change

when something that's been wanted intently and over a long while suddenly appears to be granted, is it cynicism that my gut reaction is cold suspicion rather than, oh, say, grateful elation?

it's taken me a few months, but i think i'm finally starting to thaw against the notion that change within the relational system at work, and I mean true long-lasting change, could actually be materializing.

what's exciting is my spanking new role as the catalyst of sorts for this slow and tedious shift. it would be foolish of me to have not seen this for myself in the crystal ball; afterall, what have i been training in? but (there's always something!) an oddity within me is what feels like a twinge of resentment underneath it all. i'm not sure.

what i do know is that a lot is going on in a very volatile space, so i need to proceed with utmost caution and respect for all involved. i think i need to keep repeating this to myself.

so my pent-up frustrations over the work situation were unexpectedly given a brief respite today over lunch. forcefully stirring my iced milk tea, i could feel a fresh anger rising as i unloaded them.

what's this bitterness lingering behind my words? i thought i had already dealt adequately with this.

am i being petty? immature? i asked myself when i was alone. am i just choosing the well-worn pathway of helpless complaint and malcontent? i scorn the kind of person who gripes about others with a heated eloquence in safety behind their backs; yet i fear that's exactly what i've been reduced to.

someone said, but not to me, that we have no right to be upset when in christian ministry because that's how God trains and teaches us through firey trials and whatnot. and i wondered, after surpressing a wave of indignance, if all this is meant to be part of my testing, in which case i'm probably faring abysmally.

for the first time, i wish the capable voice of reason which has always guarded my emotional core could simply vanish so i can just let myself experience this at the most instinctive plane. maybe i have no idea what i'm asking for, but beyond the possible anguish, it might just be the most honest i'll ever feel.

i guess that's what i really need right now.

being alone in the office is great. productivity barely registers on the chart at a flat zero. but it's great.

this stillness in here is really quite therapeutic.

i'm thinking the rest of the church should organize monthly camps up north. i can make a nice habit out of waving them goodbye from the parking lot.

wishful thinking aside, i should cherish this little gift of quietude. come tomorrow, i will have to let it go.

all the reasons why i should tender my resignation have never been more vivid than at last week's staff meeting where they spilled from my lips in an unplanned and emotional outpouring.

in the queasy, possibly stunned, stillness that ensued, a flicker of regret arose as i calmed down but there was an unmistakable core of peace as well.

honesty is the best policy, or so the saying goes. what is not often said is that it requires a herculean effort to be truly honest when it really counts; or at least for me it does.

well, the deed is done, now what's next?

i have no idea. let's just see where the road ahead leads to.

the morning began with the dreaded conundrum i've been evading for months now, "so what are your plans after graduation?"

since a pefectly happy solution to the perfectly reasonable question doesn't exist yet, my response was another frantic dredging up of a pat reply which appeared to narrowly deflect an alarmed interrogation this time.

so a crisis was averted, albeit very temporarily, until the next concerned and/or curious person innocently asks. it is of no respite that each passing day brings me closer to the end of the year when i'll supposedly graduate and reminds me this has been simmering on the back burner since before the course began even. i guess time is running out for me to keep running away from working it out.

how do i ready myself to say goodbye? i hate this.