so my pent-up frustrations over the work situation were unexpectedly given a brief respite today over lunch. forcefully stirring my iced milk tea, i could feel a fresh anger rising as i unloaded them.
what's this bitterness lingering behind my words? i thought i had already dealt adequately with this.
am i being petty? immature? i asked myself when i was alone. am i just choosing the well-worn pathway of helpless complaint and malcontent? i scorn the kind of person who gripes about others with a heated eloquence in safety behind their backs; yet i fear that's exactly what i've been reduced to.
someone said, but not to me, that we have no right to be upset when in christian ministry because that's how God trains and teaches us through firey trials and whatnot. and i wondered, after surpressing a wave of indignance, if all this is meant to be part of my testing, in which case i'm probably faring abysmally.
for the first time, i wish the capable voice of reason which has always guarded my emotional core could simply vanish so i can just let myself experience this at the most instinctive plane. maybe i have no idea what i'm asking for, but beyond the possible anguish, it might just be the most honest i'll ever feel.
i guess that's what i really need right now.
i'm not always ready to admit and accept that what's good for me, which is usually artfully disguised as some sickening ordeal like seeing the doctor or abstaining from fried chicken, is what i truly need.
and i very often struggle with the exceedingly grown up responsiblities that prop up a life with some measure of deliberate consistency and reflective dignity: i don't feel like trying hard or doing the right thing all the time, and i'm happy to leave my blind spots under the musty carpet for just one more day, plus i find it exhausting, truth be told, to be pushing myself to relentlessly grow and mature ad nauseum.
but i am now at a good place where i am able to actualize a need, a gift, if you will, just for myself. life is an intricate ebb and flow of giving away and receiving back, isn't it? so my need within this dynamic cycle is to carve out a snug space solely for me where i can rest, i can heal, i can renew and i can continually learn to be glad for all that i am.
i know myself. and i know what needs to happen in order for me to give the important moments in my life broad wings to fly. so i'm no longer going to apologise for wanting to make each of them count.
watch your thoughts for they become words.
choose your words for they become actions.
understand your actions for they become habits.
study your habits for they become your character.
develop your character for it becomes your destiny.
~
anonymous
i've always thought that i would make a half-competent actor but it seems nothing could be further from the truth.
part of the class this past weekend involved developing various personas for mock counseling sessions with each other. the challenge involved was to pretend to embody a whole other person, and to bring him/her to life as a way for us fledging counselors to practice our feeble magic on.
some of my classmates were able to sink deep into their psyches to haul out copious amounts of fraying raw emotions and intense korean drama serial-like existences.
i, on the other hand, can't do much more than be low-key and simmeringly subdued with a petulant scowl which astute readers would immediately identify as me being me.
however, i discovered something new over the weekend, and that is acting isn't about pretending to be someone you are not. it is about allowing someone within to emerge.
which begs the question: who is this person and why is he/she kept hidden away? 
what is the honest and complete self? is it not the totality of everything that we try to forget, to hide and to bury; everything that makes us weep, rage and laugh; everything that brings us pride, shame and fear; everything that leads us to hope, despair and love?
i can understand, though, that it is far easier to don a mask, any mask, because acceptance is so rare a gift that no one allows themselves to expect it. isn't that the saddest truth of all?
i received this in an email from lil and thought it was worth saving.
the paradox of our time in history is that:
we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
wider freeways but narrower viewpoints.
we spend more but have less,
we buy more but enjoy less.
we have bigger houses and smaller families,
more conveniences but less time.
we have more degrees but less sense,
more knowledge but less judgment.
more experts, yet more problems,
more medicine but less wellness.
we drink too much, smoke too much,
spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry,
stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much,
and pray too seldom.
we have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values.
we talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
we've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
we've added years to life not life to years.
we've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
we've conquered outer space but not inner space.
we've done larger things but not better things.
we've cleaned up the air but polluted the soul.
we've conquered the atom but not our prejudice.
we write more but learn less.
we plan more but accomplish less.
we've learned to rush, but not to wait.
we've built computers to hold more information but we communicate less.
these are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character,
steep profits and shallow relationships.
these are the days of two incomes but more divorce,
fancier houses but broken homes.
these are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,
and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
it is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...
remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
remember, to say, 'i love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. a kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
give time to love, give time to speak! and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
and always remember:
life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
by george carlin, who penned these wise words after the passing of his wife.