the human body is a wondrous machine.
if this sounds like a preface to an olympic games-related entry, fear not, as it isn't since i barely followed it save for one exhilarating table-tennis battle in which i was sound asleep for a good half of.
no, i'm thinking about the relationship between the physical and emotional; they are co-dependant, in a way. any disturbance in one will manifest symptoms, sometimes very drastically, in the other.
lately, i've been having a great deal of trouble sleeping. even my legendary 5hr naps are nigh impossible to pull off because i wake up way before the finish line.
tiredness begets distress, distress begets insomnia, insomnia begats tiredness.
i know several of my stress points have come together recently in a blatant conspiracy to rob me of rest. alright, alright, you've made your point, i finally get it.
i'm listening.
after a short self-exiling stint, running away from letting you readers see inside my head, i've come back, sort of, to resume my blogging life.
the break wasn't all unfruitful though. i managed to sort quite a fair chunk out and gear myself up for the next couple of months which are probably going to lead me to the trembling cusp of sanity, or death.
anyway, as the past has always, always taught me, i miss writing terribly when i get into one of those 'i'm-never-writing-again' moods; so it stands to reason that i should work that love-hate aspect out. or not, we'll see.
i'm exhausted, thanks to the draining week that has gone by, so i'm gonna catch some z's now.
when something that's been wanted intently and over a long while suddenly appears to be granted, is it cynicism that my gut reaction is cold suspicion rather than, oh, say, grateful elation?
it's taken me a few months, but i think i'm finally starting to thaw against the notion that change within the relational system at work, and I mean true long-lasting change, could actually be materializing.
what's exciting is my spanking new role as the catalyst of sorts for this slow and tedious shift. it would be foolish of me to have not seen this for myself in the crystal ball; afterall, what have i been training in? but (there's always something!) an oddity within me is what feels like a twinge of resentment underneath it all. i'm not sure.
what i do know is that a lot is going on in a very volatile space, so i need to proceed with utmost caution and respect for all involved. i think i need to keep repeating this to myself.
there was never any doubt that the narnia franchise would only get bigger. after a rather tepid debut on the big screen 3 years ago, the long-awaited sequel is superior but only at a technical level. this simply works better as a popcorn flick thanks in part to the careful writing which balances pathos, humor, gravitas and action over 2 and a half hours. a bigger budget also contributes to its slicker sheen and the director cleverly borrows grandeur from the vast expanse of the natural outdoors.
but like most film adaptations of best-selling books, there's simply never enough running time to feature everything, or even half, that is of significance. screen time is spread unevenly among multiple characters, most of whom end up as no more than paper-thin caricatures. the pace also plods needlessly in the first half although there is a measured build up for the family-friendly battle sequences, with the last being the most predictably spectacular.
a stand out moment for me was when lucy, the peace-loving and youngest of the 4 protaganists, finally meets aslan, the Christ-figure at the center of the series. throwing away all previous doubt, she races towards him with such unabashed delight that spoke deep volumes of the complete faith and hope that his presence would right all, heal all.
"you're finally here. now i know that everything will be okay."
the words were unspoken, but it gave me a tearful glimpse of what going home, truly going home, might possibly feel like.
written by john lennon and paul mccartney
performed by timothy t and carol woods in the movie across the universe
so my pent-up frustrations over the work situation were unexpectedly given a brief respite today over lunch. forcefully stirring my iced milk tea, i could feel a fresh anger rising as i unloaded them.
what's this bitterness lingering behind my words? i thought i had already dealt adequately with this.
am i being petty? immature? i asked myself when i was alone. am i just choosing the well-worn pathway of helpless complaint and malcontent? i scorn the kind of person who gripes about others with a heated eloquence in safety behind their backs; yet i fear that's exactly what i've been reduced to.
someone said, but not to me, that we have no right to be upset when in christian ministry because that's how God trains and teaches us through firey trials and whatnot. and i wondered, after surpressing a wave of indignance, if all this is meant to be part of my testing, in which case i'm probably faring abysmally.
for the first time, i wish the capable voice of reason which has always guarded my emotional core could simply vanish so i can just let myself experience this at the most instinctive plane. maybe i have no idea what i'm asking for, but beyond the possible anguish, it might just be the most honest i'll ever feel.
i guess that's what i really need right now.
i finally decided that i had to have a 3g data plan so i meandered into a hello! store and did the deed. it was only half-price, too, thanks to a promotion. the shiny sim card that came with the plan stared forlornly up at me. looks like i need to get a new toy to go with it. 
the viewty by lg comes from the land famed for plastic surgery, extremely good-looking people (thanks to plastic surgery) and kimchi (which has nothing to do with plastic surgery because it is all natural and thereby great for health).
so this will be my glamorous internet-on-the-go device which i will use to surf the www, take 5mp snaps and cool slow-motion videos with, and also blog from when traumatically torn away from the home or office.
now to find a boring queue to stand in so i can use it.
being alone in the office is great. productivity barely registers on the chart at a flat zero. but it's great.
this stillness in here is really quite therapeutic.
i'm thinking the rest of the church should organize monthly camps up north. i can make a nice habit out of waving them goodbye from the parking lot.
wishful thinking aside, i should cherish this little gift of quietude. come tomorrow, i will have to let it go.
i'm not always ready to admit and accept that what's good for me, which is usually artfully disguised as some sickening ordeal like seeing the doctor or abstaining from fried chicken, is what i truly need.
and i very often struggle with the exceedingly grown up responsiblities that prop up a life with some measure of deliberate consistency and reflective dignity: i don't feel like trying hard or doing the right thing all the time, and i'm happy to leave my blind spots under the musty carpet for just one more day, plus i find it exhausting, truth be told, to be pushing myself to relentlessly grow and mature ad nauseum.
but i am now at a good place where i am able to actualize a need, a gift, if you will, just for myself. life is an intricate ebb and flow of giving away and receiving back, isn't it? so my need within this dynamic cycle is to carve out a snug space solely for me where i can rest, i can heal, i can renew and i can continually learn to be glad for all that i am.
i know myself. and i know what needs to happen in order for me to give the important moments in my life broad wings to fly. so i'm no longer going to apologise for wanting to make each of them count.
this fifth incarnation of the man with allegedly the most recognizable profile in the world feels exactly as it should. the producers should be praised for carefully retaining the style and mood of the indiana jones series which, i believe, is no easy feat to resist in this age of expensive and extensive cgi-overkill.
shame, then, about the chemistry-free cast and the tepid script involving a very bland villianess (a completely wasted cate blanchett!), a very shady best friend, a very easy-to-discover lost kingdom and a very fake-looking crystal skull from the no-holds barred title.
i can see how it could have worked in concept though. perhaps time hasn't been so kind to indy after all. he says it best in the trailer,
"it's not as easy as it used to be."
best enjoyed as a nostalgic stroll down memory lane; just don't expect to enjoy it too much.